Can't help not to be sad, since we're experiencing some trials along the way and it really aches me seeing and passing along the path that god has given us.   so hate myself so much right now, i wasn't any of help on my mom's feelings, i can't say things what i wanted to say, i'm still the same stuck up on my way of life, i can't talk to anybody how i truly feel, argh.. i was always have the  feeling guilt whenever i checked fb, this is the most simplest and worrisome christmas ever for me. i just hate me... dapat bang maging masaya talaga pag pasko? (should we be really happy when christmas day arrive?)  Sorry for being such an emo today, it just that u really hate me..........................

happy birthday jesus, thank you for coming into the world. thank you for all the blessings and challenges, lord i know that it is me who has been bad and done nothing for my mom, she doesn't deserved any of this suffering, please Lord help us to overcome this predicament, im begging you please, please take away the pains she's undertaking, it really ache my hearts to see her like that.  I know you've given this to us because you believe that we're strong enough to make this through but please we're asking for your guidance and help, thank you so much.

omo,  its been months ive been on a hiatus.. what happen again to me.. anyways im glad i finally able to sign in again because i did forget my account here..so sorry..since this is my first ever online blog.. okay.. my LIFE is really a MESS still... why oh why.. i am really such a DORK.. sorry...

okay hasta lavista baby..

ciao...

anyeong..
jacq please wake up you've been on hiatus for months... you've told yourself many positive things and even bring yourself down.. now is not the time for thinking how to plan your life instead you should grabbed any opportunity that comes on your way, dont lose any of it.. you've wasted enough...
Sorry mom and dad for you have brought up a person like me in this world you dont deserve a daughter like me.. i've been an asshole, and even to my brother i've been like a cross that they should bear.. i know that they have given me many chances already and i blew it all up.. DAMN you JACQ!!!! when will you wake up.. you've missed the beauty of life.. shIt.. i hate myself so much... huhuhuhuhu!!!

DAMN YOU MUCH!!!! pretty please move on and do something for yourself.. MOM its not your fault its mehh.. im such a coward... and lazy person... waaaaaahhh..... i needed to express myself more.. i always bottled up my feelings maybe that's the reason why i am like this..i should release what i feel inside.. huhuhu.. i need a helping hand most especially an ear who will listen on my peers..someone who will cheer and says everything will be just fine. why am i so alonE!!!?????

anyeong..

since i am back in PH, of course for almost a decade now.. me and my mom didnt failed to do these christian practices during lenten season.....

wherein we visit churches.. and had a little prayer and commemorating the hardships that god had undergone in order to wash away the sins of the people. since we are only now three, me, mom and ta loi went together.

anyeong!

errrhh.. sleeping to the max, and eat..haay what a life.. boredom..

i know i've talked about ali.. im still scared. but he was asking for marriage?? i dunno know if he's serious or what..but i can feel his arrgghh.. i dunno.. we chatted and made things that i dunno.. arrgghhh...

should i just go with the flow..whats happening to me.. LORD...

konnichiwa minna...

yeah finally i was able to go on board.. what do i feel.. im happy and sd.. i have been telling you before that i was really torn on my feelings.. sigh..i dunno how to start  new life..im back to being down again. sighness overload.

finally ali called me, but he put down the fon..i dunno.. i texted sir sultan but he repied who is this.. yeha i was hurt,, it seems that he deleted already my number.huhhuhu...

it was kinda uneasy and bumpy flight. i still dont know what will i do.. huhu..if only kuya make me have a choice. im a failure...

arrived at 3:15pm but i was able to get my luggage around 3:50pm and mommy is the one who make sundo. haay..sorry i failed you all.. i was nothing.. i hate me...

saw vanilla and alex.. ang kukulit pa rin.. even emty was so noisy. miss u my baby!!

finally back at the philippines. sighnessssssssssss....

anyeong!

omo.. i wasnt able to get on board.. sadness.. we even had breakfast at mcdo.. anyways... they were many stories talaga about sa pag uwe na to.. dame ng sacrifice at na perwisyo sa fully booked ng etihad.

i've got a call from an etihad staff this morning sayang .. around 9am ..sabi niya i can finally get on board but the sad situation is that i wasnt at the airport.. sayangness talaag.nde na ko makakaabot eh..if she called a lil earlier.. haaayyy...

then we went to mass... maybe this is it i should have experience the palm sunday here.. anyways.they were date leaves being given as the palaspas.. and luckily at the end of the mass we were able to get inside the church to make the palaspas be blessed and ourselves as well.. so maybe this is it na talaga.

it was lolo jose first year death anniversary. lolo whereevr you are i hope you are happy with lola and plese help us in all the problems and keep watching over our safety.

then at night we went to al wahda to pay for the etisalat and checked the supermarket  for the water dispenser and some things lie table,chairs, that they need for their new room. but we did not find any ..and decided to just go to the emirates discount we just go their walking and this store was really huge that even if just by looking you will feel very tired. haaayy...

in the end we did not bought what we re supposed to buy.. we just bought some baon.. haaiissh.. and went to the airport after..me and carol bought my luggage this time because it seems that it is now really sure.. and thanks god this is it...

haller....

last night, kha was so busy... naking ayos their new room. haayy i dont know how to help but she told me to just dont mind her at all.. because she still dont know how to arrange the rooms, but what to do..i feel unease.. anyways i sleep early.. not knowing that kha..still stay up late and you know made their laundry.  Today the etisalat agent came.. we didnt know that it would took that long.. because we planned to go in green house to look for the water dispenser and table and some of the things that they needed. 

then kuya called that maybe i should try tonight if i can the 3am flight.. and we had this lil argument.. because i want him to at least have a 60/40 chance that i can get on board.. but he said that i should at least try because he cant be sure.. and he's been worried also on the expenses i've had going to the airport.. and i said that yeha i know it was really a loss and nanghihinayang ako.. then he said.. oh you're the one who's really worried for the money wherein that isnt your money after all.. and i said. yeah that's why i am so ashamed because that's not money.. haaaiissshh.. kuya... i really dont know what you think of me.. i feel i've sacrificed enough but you cant get what i did.. haaayy buhay i so freaking hate it.  

try the morning flight and still saw the same faces i saw before.. this is my third try..
i even put on make up and wear a blazer.. still unlucky..

and kuya just entrusted me to their friend.. still didnt get in..
kuya gave me 50dhms for the taxi fare.. but mike insisted that we can take a bus.. and i feel so embarrassed for causing any inconvenience/troubles.. huhuhu..

went to al falah to buy food for our dinner.. haaaissshhh..

was there something unfinished business for me that's why i cant get out from here??
i was thinking.. does it concern the call i receive before, or it was because of sir abdul aziz thesis.. aiisshh...

anyway's its getting hot here.. it will be summer soon.

anyeong....

omo.. i hope i can go home na.. aiissshh... nakakaloka na ang aking luggage.. huhuhhu..
i still saw same people, waiting for their chances... omo...depressing...

the money, the expenses, the effort.. aisssshh..

the only thing that's good is that i can enjoy the free wifi....

but nothing's happen....

haller..

wake up early because we\ll try to have a chance for this am flight. but yeaahhh.. we were'nt that much lucky.. heard that some of the chance passengers have tried thrice already but wasnt able to..

so just packed things again..

hope this midnight i can fly.

help us lord.thanks for today.....

there still option if i really wanted to go home to manila ..is that i can make a connecting flight through bangkok, singapore, hong kong,jakarta or kuala lumpur. i can buy tickets their going to manila but i still need money of course for another ticket.but since its the season for vacay, the tickets are pricely.. i need at least 1500 to 2500 dhms just for one way ticket to manila.. but the problem of course..MONEY!!!!!

please LORD, we will believe on your HANDS! thanks...and sorry..

anyeong!

today is a lucky day ... weeeeehhh. 

we move some of the things to the new room that kuya and kha will renting in. and then attended 12pm mass. while on the taxi cab,behind the driver's seat, i saw a 1dirham coin.. phew for the first time in my stay here, i was able to pick up a coin..and said that maybe it is a lucky coin.

after we went to abu dhabi mall because kha bought some padala that she will fill her package box so that they would not bring it over to their new room. and kuya said that i can still buy some padala too, that cost 100dhms.. so i bought 2 olay cream for momi and mita. and t-shirts for me.. the shirts are bargain so i was able to bought 3 and 1 shorts.. they were big sizes on the shirt that i like.. weeehh, am i being really lucky. and then pack things again. me and kha were busy packing all day. the canned goods i bought are really heavy.thanks to kha's package.. i asked her if i can make pasabay ... then that's why my problem for my luggage was being solved. we bought kubos and henna powder.wheeew....

and kha was able to finish her package box and deliver it to the luzan.. hope it will reach PH in good condition.

thank you LORD for this day. everything goes smoothly. kuya gave up that i cant fly this midnight. aww.. i forgot i've spend the lucky coin..huhuhu.. but there were still 1 dirham coin left..hope this will bring luck for the coming days.

i was able to chat with ali, hmm.. i dunno.. is it him, do i consider him???? confused......

omo.. before the day ends.. my ex-boss called kuya..and he says that he will just give my passport because he was not sure if he can go... thanks LORD.... so we didnt let the chance slip away.. even if the cons is that kuya will going to take taxi. thanks lucky coin.

so sorry until now i was causing disturbance and financial problems to kuya and kha.. huhuhu.. hope i can make the flight tomorrow morning

anyeong...

its nino giffy.. yay....

my flighttoday has been cancelled because my ex-animalistic behaviour boss are not available.. my passport was still with him..so kuya has to re-sched my flight.. and it was just okay because there was only 3 chance passenger were able to make it.

i just helped kuya bring some of the packed things in their new rented room, the room is okay and big..but the flat seems crowded.i hope they will be okay there.

and i was able to go to lulu hypermarket, and bought cheese and choco. and then bought some ingredients for chicken afrida.

nothing much happen, just continue packing my things while kha is packing theirs too..

konnichiwa

mixed emotions minna.. i've already been cancelled and i have my flight this 3am..on the 22nd.. haayy.. i wanted to go home but i also wanted to stay here..because i have so many things i want to do..but the opportunities are being unlucky... sigh...

i wanted to voice out how bad my ex-employer ..how he broke my opportunities to grow, start renewing my life.. damn..he's really bad..i hate him..im cursing him.

and i've chatted to this egyptian guy.. should i give in.. arggghh..desperate... i dunno.what should i do..

been packing things and it was hard.. .. the problems in the rented room of kuya and kha still goes on ..but they decided to move out..arrgghh..expenses again for them..they saw a room near here.. but the rent is higher.. i hope someday i can repay them.. arrgghh.. money money you're so bad..

anyeong.. waahhh

finally decided to have some little fun before i went back to ph,. i went to dubai..to see and visit my bestfriend louise... i know kuya was mad and carol was even madder for my being hard headed.. sorry i have to do this for myself naman.. i cant just sit and stare blankly na lang here sa house.. i do really understand how you just want my safety and no more problems..but i have to do it..take a risk..but somehow i didnt get to enjoy much..since i know that they are mad..

we just stroll around.. actually i now know louise problem about her ex-boyfriend.. sighh.. i was really surprise because of the reason.. but anyways... i hope she can move on.. sorry all i can say that im sorry i dont have enough experience in love that's why i cannot much fully understand how deep her love was to her ex-bf. i havent loved anyone before .. because im such a loser...

we went to battuta mall.. together with her brother.. i was also amazed for his accommodating me.. unyo salamat although sana i just want to say ...lend me money instead of letting us eat at fancy restaurant..but thanks to both of you..some of my sentiments become a reality.. i hope to pay you back in the future.. heehhee..just take care of your health.. both of you. we had dinner at mango tree at dubai mall.. it is a thai restaurant. yeahh the food is just ok..especially the noodle..i want to cook that for my family.


take some pictures.. it was unyo's cam.. so ill post next time.
went home before 12am.. whoa..until now and here i am a cinderella.. hehehe

damn, while im in dubai, kuya and ate lili was shocked,because the validiya had made spot checking..the same problem in the house before.. they knock so hard on the doors and question them, why they are still here. i dunno.. and then the validiya asks kuya.for a papers.. i guess for marriage certf. i dunno.. was it a blessing in disguise that i wasnt here when the house was being checked. because they were going to ask for my papers too.if they saw me here .. right? the validiya told them to evacuate and take their things outside because they were going to locked up and shutdown the building. sigh.....i didnt know .. and kha was really cold to me when i got home..phewww...
maybe that's why the whole time im with louise im kinda uneasy because this things happen while im gone. sighh..

anyeong

aahh.. should i find love just.. arrgghh... im getting frustrated again...

i want change...
hmm... talk to kim.. my high school batch mate can she really help me. huhuhu.. do i really want to stay here?? what worries me is about kuya.. hmm.. i dunno.. but i should give it a try ..right??
haay.. kakaloka talaga.. ewan bahala na.. aiyee.. big bang was so cool talaga.. i cant keep out on humming their songs on my hear.. so to post their first mv... off the alive album.. uhmm.. come to think of it.. it suits me. i should be *alive* and be able to stand up again... *bb fighting*

 im singing my bluessssssssssss.....

the bomb.. big bang.. so so love you guys.. you never made me disappoint on your music and you always re-invent yourself whenever you have a comeback.. bb hwaiting!!!

konnichiwa...

i said there should be no mre tears onwards...jacque wake up.. time to let go and start a new life..
enjoy the days that you are still here.. you cant turn back time.. just please... dont cry anymore..

you shouldnt let the money revolve around you... yeah t was soo saddening and awful experience but you have to move on and stand uo again..stop that feeling sorry for yourself, because no one can help you but tyou yourself.. there's even more aggravating story that you have.. just be thankful you're going home in one piece and still intact.

arrgghh.. and please lovelife where are you???? maybe i was also wrong in my intention in searching for love, that's why i cant find him.. and i am already getting pissed at myself again.. huuhu

 just finished watching the big bang special come back for their alive album..whoa.. i didnt know that they were in the verge of collapsing in spite of the recognition they get from japan and mtv europe..

 after all the struggles,scandals and accidents that happen to them last year.. they are now back stronger and much matured..and daesung made this song that i kinda relate to.yeaahh i wanna shout it all out..

anyeong..

it was so upsetting yesterday and today...

first my cousin invited me to go to dubai.. but we had this misunderstanding before so kuya doesnt believe her anymore..so let's say kuya really wanted to cut off any communication with her.. and dont want to bother them and vice versa to bother us. for me and mommy it was all in the past and we dont mind that anymore.. i didnt know that kuya still hold this grudge.. so in short he didnt permit me to go.. which is so sad and upsetting for e because i've been spoiling my life for almost a month here in the house where even i didnt do anything .. why i am being punished.. yes i saw this as punishment not as a pre caution or any safety.. but kuya still insisted that this is for our safety ... omg!!
i just dot want to argue nor fight with him so i justfollow his wishes.. but this is so much. i feel like im in prison here.. omo.. huhuhuu..
i was realy really mad at myself why this things happens to us.. im really such a failure...
and kuya this way of yours is not good too.. ill pity your family if you continue on like this...

huhuuhuuuu.... for this entire saturday i was just here...
and i told you before that i was talking this egyptian guy.. i dunno.. is he the one.. huuhuhuhu.. but i want white/caucasian... because i know we had different custom... but arrghh.. i dunno...

kon...

its aiba-chan.. happy ne'.....

hehehe.. finally i was able to sign my visa cancellation.. i wish this will be finished asap.. haaayy...
still this ex-employer of mine was giving a crap explanation..

day-16.. shucks 1/2 months are already been spoiled... because of this damn problem of mine.

anyways.. i said that i shouldnt be that sad and mad anymore.. because the pimples i had over worrying things like that are all in my cheeks..and please..just go away.... im too much ugly...

i've got to chat to this egyptian guy and it seems that he's nice..but he's a muslim.. haay..
anyways.. ciao...